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Good morning and Happy Friday! Thanks for being here today.
There’s a mushroom being consumed in China that is causing the majority of those who ingest it to see the same hallucination — that of “‘little people’ or ‘elves’ dancing and jumping around in their environment and interacting with them after eating” it.
Does anyone know where we can get our hands on a bunch of these mushrooms? Because hallucinating a bunch of tiny little elves sounds far preferable to … anytime I turn on the news.
Just imagine, instead of this:
You could choose to see this:
Seems like an obvious win for everyone.
Welcome back to LMP, where I attempt to narrow down our current political hellscape into four easily digestible stories for your perusal. Earlier this week, I wrote about the Strait of Hormuz, and why it’s so important for the entire world that ships are able to move through it. Without going into detail, here’s the gist of it, courtesy of medical doctor and chemical engineering PhD Gaurab Chakrabarti, as posted on X earlier this week:
“The straight of Hormuz has been closed for eight days. Everyone thinks this is about oil. This is about what oil becomes. Ninety-two percent of the world’s sulfur comes from refining oil and gas. Close the Straight of Hormuz and you don’t just lose 20 million barrels of crude per day. You lose the feedstock for sulfuric acid, the single most produced chemical on earth. Sulfuric acid is how we extract copper. It’s how we extract cobalt. Without it, you can’t make transformers, EV batteries, or the substrates inside every data center on the planet. One chemical, made from one feedstock, shipped through one chokepoint. The cascade goes further. Qatar ships thirty percent of Taiwan‘s liquefied natural gas through Hormuz. Taiwan has 11 days of reserves left. TSMC, the company that makes 90 percent of the world’s advanced chips, draws 8.9% of Taiwan’s total electricity. No gas, no power, no chips. Then food. Thirty-three percent of the world‘s nitrogen fertilizer feedstock moves through the Straight. Half of all humans alive today exist because of synthetic nitrogen. Sulfur, semiconductors, food. That makes three supply chains, on 21-nautical-mile choke point, and zero domestic alternatives at scale.”
According to Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT), the Trump administration went into this war without considering how it would affect the global oil supply and without a plan to keep the Strait of Hormuz open.
Now we know that we have Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner to thank.
Over the last few days, Iran has begun mining the Strait, shortly after the US sent four mine-sweeping ships home to be decommissioned. And despite Donald Trump’s claims that the US has taken out 16 of Iran’s mine-laying ships, the Iranians have still figured out a way to shut down the Strait.
Six ships have been attacked in the Gulf in less than 48 hours, bringing the total of vessels attacked since the start of the war to 18, according to reports by UK Maritime Trade Operations (UKMTO) and the maritime intelligence company Vanguard.
It comes as Iran's new supreme leader Mojtaba Khamenei vowed to keep blocking the Strait of Hormuz in his first public statement on Thursday.
Verified footage showed two tankers on fire in Iraqi waters at the north of the Gulf late on Wednesday and UKMTO reported the ships had been "struck by an unknown projectile".
Iran’s new leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, vows to keep the Strait “closed,” and we know this because he posted it to his verified account on X. (facepalm, Elon)
Meanwhile, the US Navy reportedly won’t be ready to escort ships through the Strait “for weeks.” If you’re wondering why your gas costs so much at the pump, there it is. Both Trump and the International Energy Agency have tapped strategic reserves, but it hasn’t made a dent in prices, which are currently averaging $3.59 in the US, up from $3.53 yesterday.
None of this matters to Trump, who thinks that oil prices going up is great news, because “when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money”. Uh, who is “we,” buddy? For the record, he doesn’t care about housing prices, either.
President Donald Trump told Speaker Mike Johnson in a private conversation this week that “no one gives a [bleep] about housing,” according to four sources who heard the speaker recount the conversation.
As a result of the biggest global energy crisis since the 1970s, the Dow Jones fell over 700 points yesterday, ensuring that our 401ks are in the tank and none of us will ever be able to retire.
Isn’t this fun? I can’t wait to see what skyrockets in cost next.
We also have more probable US casualties to report, as a US KC-135 refueling plane went down in western Iraq yesterday. While “rescue efforts are ongoing,” it’s unlikely that anyone survived the crash of a giant jet fuel tanker in the sky.
So far, no one in the Trump administration has been able to give a compelling reason for this war, and Stephen Miller has resorted to hypotheticals:
Stephen Miller: "As a thought experiment, imagine if this regime had nuclear weapons, instead had long-range missiles that could reach an American city ... think about what a terror that would be"
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar.com) 2026-03-13T00:15:49.734Z
Imagine if Saddam Hussein crawled out of his grave as a zombie, hell-bent on revenge. Imagine if the Nazis had won World War II. Imagine if the last season of Game of Thrones had been better. What the hell is his point?
Finally, in order to keep America safe and to win this war, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has decreed that only sexy photos of him can be published.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is banning press photographers from department briefings on the U.S. war on Iran because he didn’t like the way he looked in recent photos.
Anonymous sources told The Washington Post that Hegseth and his staff called photos of him taken by photographers from large outlets like Reuters, the Associated Press, and Getty Images at a March 2 briefing “unflattering.”
This is supposedly the photo Hegseth didn’t like. It sure would be a shame if we found ways to use it every day.
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When it all clicks.
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In other news: Palantir weirdo says the quiet part out loud; Another DOGE bro looks real dumb in a deposition; Trump is plying his cabinet with clown shoes; and The High Note.
Before we get to everything else, I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that we had two mass shooting attempts in the US yesterday. One was foiled by security at the Temple Israel Synagogue in West Bloomfield, MI, and the other was kept to a minimum loss of life by ROTC students at Old Dominion University. Both shooters, unfortunately, were of Middle Eastern descent. Worse, Mohamed Jalloh, who attacked Old Dominion, had a prior conviction for giving material support to ISIS, and still managed to get his hands on a gun. Insanity. I guess DHS was too busy deporting 4-year-olds with Spiderman backpacks to worry about Jalloh. Both shooters are dead.
On to the rest of the news.
Palantir dipshit says the quiet part out loud
If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I’m firmly anti-generative AI. So AI wants to transcribe my interview for me? Fine. AI wants to replace creatives and highly-trained professionals in creating art? Hell no.
I get a lot of pushback on that view. Someone tells me just about every day to “get on board or get left behind.” Fine, I’ll be left behind. Because there is no way I’m going to support tech bros like this:
Palantir CEO Alex Karp thinks his AI technology will lessen the power of “highly educated, often female voters, who vote mostly Democrat” while increasing the power of working-class men.
“This technology disrupts humanities-trained—largely Democratic—voters, and makes their economic power less. And increases the economic power of vocationally trained, working-class, often male, working-class voters,” Karp said in a CNBC interview Thursday. “And so these disruptions are gonna disrupt every aspect of our society. And to make this work, we have to come to an agreement of what it is we’re going to do with the technology; how are we gonna explain to people who are likely gonna have less good, and less interesting jobs.”
Well, if we have one problem in this country, it’s highly educated women. After all, they’ve been in charge for most of our history. Oh wait, that’s men.
Alex Karp always looks like he just rolled out of bed after a night of trying to roofie unsuspecting women, Sam Altman is being sued by his younger sister for sexual abuse, and we all know about Elon Musk. Actually, I think I’m starting to see their problem with highly educated women.
Another DOGE bro is dumb on camera
Yesterday, we saw a video of a DOGE bro who couldn't define “DEI” without consulting Trump’s executive order. That didn’t stop him from “flagging” a documentary about Jewish women used by Nazis as slave labor for “termination,” though. Because DEI.
Today, we have yet another contender for Worst DOGE Bro Ever. They’re coming for your title, Big Balls!
This is Nathan Cavanaugh, another DOGE staffer explaining how he flagged grants at NEH for "DEI" which would be reviewed for termination. 404 Media has reviewed hours of this footage and we'll have more soon. Part of a lawsuit by @acls1919.bsky.social, @modernlanguage.bsky.social + @historians.org
— 404 Media (@404media.co) 2026-03-12T15:33:08.258Z
Good thing we got rid of all those DEI hires and made everything a meritocracy.
Trump is forcing his cabinet into clown shoes
The Wall Street Journal learned that Trump has become obsessed with Florsheim shoes, and is trying to make his male cabinet members wear them — by buying them for them without learning their sizes.
First, I can guarantee you that Trump doesn’t know that Florsheim is a Chicago company, and secondly, given that he spent his entire campaign calling him “Little Marco,” you would think Trump would err on the smaller side.
The Oxfords cost $145 and became an obsession of Trump’s last year. The Journal reported that the president has personally ordered pairs for many of his advisers, including Rubio, Vice President JD Vance, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, and Commerce Secretary (and noted Epstein affiliate) Howard Lutnick. Sometimes, the shoes come in boxes adorned with Trump’s signature.
Why would you not want to look like a guy who wouldn’t know a tailored suit if it bit him in the ass?
And finally, I couldn’t let this newsletter go without sharing this:
Oh good, an actual plot point from Idiocracy. I knew we’d get there eventually.
The High Note
Each Day, I do my best to leave you with a smile on your face, a song in your heart, and the will to fight another day.
A reminder that good things have happened, and will happen again. In the meantime, the rage creates some pretty great art.
Hey, survive and advance out there today, kids. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
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